4.12.16

 "I love who I am today because I fought to become her."

 -Kaci Diane

The hardest parts of my life have been when I was fundamentally changing who I was. The most notable change was when I moved out of state to college.

My brother and I at a football game my first semester of school. 

I come from a family with addictive personalities (This doesn't mean that we're druggies. Just that when we like something or decide something we become easily completely wrapped up with that something) and I realized quickly that I am no exception. I was searching for my happiness through partying every weekend, but in reality it wasn't the best way for me to cope with how much I hated school. I didn't know how to make the friends I wanted, and instead was left with friends who judged me more than they lifted me up. I was changing from an immature high schooler who expected things to come easy into an independent adult who realized that the effort I had been putting into my own life up to that point was not going to cut it anymore. But I had no idea how to use my extra effort. So I put my self worth in other people's hands. I tried so hard to make everyone like me when I should've been working hard to make myself like me.I was still in a rut when I transferred to a new college back in my home state. From the outside I knew everything was going right: I was at my dream school, I was moving in with some amazing girls, and I had a family who was supportive of all of my school changes. But inside of my own head I was losing control.It began by avoiding social situations because they seemed exhausting and I didn't want to talk to new people, this was unusual for me because I am typically pretty extroverted. And my constant avoidance of people led to me being very lonely. After that stage became permanent I started skipping class. I had no interest in what I was learning, I had lost all motivation, and I just gave up on myself academically. After that I started to have troubles getting out of bed at all. I would lie there and stare at my computer screen not even watching whatever show was playing, but just staring. I was in a heavy fog and I couldn't push myself out of it. I was so sad and hopeless and the worst part was that I had no idea why this was happening to me.

Image from "Hyperbole and a Half" by Allie Brosh

It was then that I knew I had depression. I withdrew from classes until the start of the next semester and I told some members of my family about how I had been feeling and asked for help. They had a hard time accepting what was happening, depression was such a taboo subject at the time (and for the most part still is today) that convincing people that I actually needed medical help was really difficult. People didn't see it as me being sick, they just saw it as me not putting in effort to be happy. And it was a mountain to climb in itself to convince them that my condition was serious. Thankfully I was eventually able to visit with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression and put me on antidepressants.

A friend and me a year after being prescribed help. Yay for genuine happiness! 

Since that moment almost two and a half years ago I have been fighting to become who I am today. I have fought the days where I don't want to get out of bed. I have fought the days where I want to blame my past for the troubles I get myself into. And most importantly I have fought to begin to love myself the way I want others to love me. I want to have so much self-love in me that it's my driving force through life, not in the way that I'm selfish but in the way that I am my own strongest supporter. I believe that people who love themselves are the healthiest and happiest people there are, I strive to be one of them. And I hope so much that you do too. Because feeling negatively towards yourself is a hard and dangerous habit to break, and you are so much more valuable than the way you are treating yourself. My depression is something I will struggle with for a long time, but I know that at the end of the day I am worth it, and you are too.

To loving ourselves first 

A picture of my favorite dog because he's the happiest being I know.  

Some resources for people looking for help with their depression or thoughts of self-harm: 

National suicide prevention hotline-  

800-273-TALK

Anxiety and Depression Association of America website-

http://www.adaa.org/ 

Two of your best resources are a psychologist (talk therapist) or doctor. They are here to help you get the medical help you need at prices you can afford. 

1.25.16

 "The best way out is always through"

-Robert Frost

I'm someone who is always looking for the easy way out of things. Didn't go to class for a whole week? Print a fake doctors note. Don't feel like cleaning my room even though you can't see the floor? Make a path to the bed.

Things like that are a dime a dozen in all of our lives but the real, deep problems which we face are a lot more complicated. You can't print a note to get out of family problems. You can ignore the mess when it's clothes on the floor, but not so much when it's your home on the line. These problems seem hopeless and overwhelming. They have us feeling defeated before we've even begun to fight. But deep down we know the truth: one day it will all be over. We just have to get through it. We have to take a deep breath and walk that road through the storm until we finally emerge into sunlight. It may take years or maybe only a few days, I don't know. But I do know that no matter who you are or what your situation is you have the ability to make it through to the end. And rest assured that you aren't going to have to walk through alone, there are plenty of people in the same position who you'll bump into along the way. And asking them for help isn't a weakness, don't worry. Awesome things await you at the end one day, but today you have to start walking. Good luck on your journey.

To forgetting about the easy way out

1.5.16

 "I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet" -Mayday Parade

Living life as a young adult I can not tell you how many times I get asked what I'm going to do with my life. If I had a nickel for every time then I would have a Target shopping cart full of nickels (although the nickels would probably just fall through all the holes in the cart so maybe that was a bad example... but, I digress). Anyway, I know from experience and from talking to so many other people in the same position that it's the worst question ever. Why? Because we have no fucking clue. Sure, maybe we have a general idea of what "we want to be when we grow up" based on our interests and what we're studying, but most of the time people don't end up with work in their field of study at all. And although it stresses me out to no end, I love it. I love that our destinies aren't set in stone and that there are a million paths just waiting for us to take them! I think not knowing what you're doing is great because it allows you to be open to new things and ideas and opportunities that drop at your feet. And I wouldn't wish that away in a million years. Don't worry if you don't know what you're doing, there are so many things out there that you may not have even heard of yet that you are perfect for. Believe in yourself to choose the right path when the time comes, but for now I think we should just sit back and enjoy being young and confused.

To the path you choose

12.23.15

 "Stay close to what keeps you feeling alive." -Free People Clothing Co.

I think that everyone has a few things in life that bring them true joy, and in that joy we find life. That feeling of joy is where we find our passions and purposes and keeping those things close to you is what fuels our choices and direction. Once you lose sight of that joy you begin to lose sight of what it means to be truly alive. You begin to live life in a way that is stressful and colorless when life is really meant to be lived in a way that is celebrated. Always make time to do the things you love and surround yourself with people who encourage that for you. When you live for happiness is when you live the life you were meant to lead. And you are worth living that life.

To being alive

12.3.15

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?" - John Green

I think my biggest fear is getting to the end of my life and realizing that I did nothing remarkable. I want so desperately to leave my mark on the world and on people's hearts. I want to be someone who has helped people and built them up. I could not imagine going through my life having not changed someone else's for the better. The problem is I don't know if my own light is truly bright enough to begin to light others, and that is a scary thought. But I know that all of the times in my life when my light has been dimmed have just prepared me to meet someone going through the same thing. And then maybe we can take comfort in the dimness of our lights together, and through that alone I can feel as though I have made a difference. 

 

To burning bright

11.20.15

"You're mad. Bonkers. Off your head...but I'll tell you a secret...all the best people are." -Alice in Wonderland

I have a love hate relationship with the word "crazy". Sometimes I feel crazy because I'm jealous my boyfriend has friends who are girls. Sometimes I feel crazy because I decided to dedicate part of my life to owning and caring for a non-traditional pet. And more often than not I feel crazy for being depressed when I have no reason to be. But I think the craziest thing about being crazy is that it's not crazy, it's just being human. I think a lot of the time we mistake any feelings that aren't positive for being crazy when in reality they're just normal feelings. Sometimes people get jealous. Sometimes you make snap decisions at petsmart. And sometimes the chemicals in your brain don't balance out correctly and you cry for no reason. But those are the things that make us human. And they're really beautiful. They're the parts of us that make us stronger and more interesting and down right human as fuck. And if that's what being crazy is then I am really thankful I am.

 

To being crazy.

11.17.15

"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life." -Julianne Hough

I am a firm believer that happiness needs to be something which you manifest for yourself. No one and nothing else is ever going to be good enough to fill that void for you. When I went through my depression I was trying to rely on everyone else around me and all of the physical things that I had to help me out and bring me happiness and that led me down a dark path. Once I realized that life isn't going to make itself perfect for you on it's own, things turned around. The more positive vibes that you put into the world the more positive vibes you'll get back from it. The world definitely doesn't owe you anything so don't give 10% and expect to receive 100% in return. Make it a priority to make time to do things that make you happy. No matter how busy your schedule is I know that you have five minutes a day to devote to reading or yoga or dancing or funny cat videos or whatever it is that makes you happy. Also, be kind to other people no matter what happens, they are just trying to be happy just like you are and kindness is contagious. All in all just remember that you are the captain on your ship and you have to choose where it goes, even if it's not easy. And I hope you choose to captain it towards happiness. 

 

To captaining our ships

11.10.15

"I know nothing with any certainty. But the sight of the stars makes me dream." - Vincent Van Gogh

Wow, the universe is insane. It's this big beautiful mystery that we will never fully understand yet it reveals new secrets to us all the time. I think that in the grand scheme of everything many people feel small. They feel like compared to how big it all is they are minuscule and what they go through really doesn't matter. But I don't see it like that. I see myself as a part of a working whole. A team if you will, but instead of scoring points we are making the universe run in unimaginable harmony. I may not know what role every living thing plays, or what roles the non living things play, but I know they're all incredibly important. So next time you look up at the stars think about how little you know, but how much you matter. 

 

To doing our part

11.9.15

"It's not possible to have people like you when you don't even show the real you." -Kozue Chiba

I think that there is something extremely vulnerable about being yourself. Unapologetically, shamelessly, being yourself. We spend our whole lives building up this facade from being told to act a certain way and pick up on social cues. Dress like this so you fit in. Like these things so you'll have something to relate to your peers with. Speak this way so you don't make people uncomfortable. Rules. Rules. Rules. When all we truly want to do is what makes us happy. If wearing cat shirts and owning a reptile makes you happy then own it. If computer games and gas station burritos make you happy then do that. If cats and glitter make you happy then buy them. And when we show those true colors to the world then we will finally stop having friends to hang out with, and we will start having friends to live life with. Because I would rather have 1 really amazingly honest and true friend than 100 friends who don't know the real me. I believe that if we are honest about who we are then we can give others the courage and confidence to be who they are. 

To being ourselves