"I love who I am today because I fought to become her."
-Kaci Diane
The hardest parts of my life have been when I was fundamentally changing who I was. The most notable change was when I moved out of state to college.
My brother and I at a football game my first semester of school.
I come from a family with addictive personalities (This doesn't mean that we're druggies. Just that when we like something or decide something we become easily completely wrapped up with that something) and I realized quickly that I am no exception. I was searching for my happiness through partying every weekend, but in reality it wasn't the best way for me to cope with how much I hated school. I didn't know how to make the friends I wanted, and instead was left with friends who judged me more than they lifted me up. I was changing from an immature high schooler who expected things to come easy into an independent adult who realized that the effort I had been putting into my own life up to that point was not going to cut it anymore. But I had no idea how to use my extra effort. So I put my self worth in other people's hands. I tried so hard to make everyone like me when I should've been working hard to make myself like me.I was still in a rut when I transferred to a new college back in my home state. From the outside I knew everything was going right: I was at my dream school, I was moving in with some amazing girls, and I had a family who was supportive of all of my school changes. But inside of my own head I was losing control.It began by avoiding social situations because they seemed exhausting and I didn't want to talk to new people, this was unusual for me because I am typically pretty extroverted. And my constant avoidance of people led to me being very lonely. After that stage became permanent I started skipping class. I had no interest in what I was learning, I had lost all motivation, and I just gave up on myself academically. After that I started to have troubles getting out of bed at all. I would lie there and stare at my computer screen not even watching whatever show was playing, but just staring. I was in a heavy fog and I couldn't push myself out of it. I was so sad and hopeless and the worst part was that I had no idea why this was happening to me.
Image from "Hyperbole and a Half" by Allie Brosh
It was then that I knew I had depression. I withdrew from classes until the start of the next semester and I told some members of my family about how I had been feeling and asked for help. They had a hard time accepting what was happening, depression was such a taboo subject at the time (and for the most part still is today) that convincing people that I actually needed medical help was really difficult. People didn't see it as me being sick, they just saw it as me not putting in effort to be happy. And it was a mountain to climb in itself to convince them that my condition was serious. Thankfully I was eventually able to visit with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression and put me on antidepressants.
A friend and me a year after being prescribed help. Yay for genuine happiness!
Since that moment almost two and a half years ago I have been fighting to become who I am today. I have fought the days where I don't want to get out of bed. I have fought the days where I want to blame my past for the troubles I get myself into. And most importantly I have fought to begin to love myself the way I want others to love me. I want to have so much self-love in me that it's my driving force through life, not in the way that I'm selfish but in the way that I am my own strongest supporter. I believe that people who love themselves are the healthiest and happiest people there are, I strive to be one of them. And I hope so much that you do too. Because feeling negatively towards yourself is a hard and dangerous habit to break, and you are so much more valuable than the way you are treating yourself. My depression is something I will struggle with for a long time, but I know that at the end of the day I am worth it, and you are too.
To loving ourselves first
A picture of my favorite dog because he's the happiest being I know.